As a Las Vegan, I never thought I'd have to endure another bloody eardrum after Celine Dion left Vegas for her world tour a few years ago. But today I did. Hmm, she is coming back. Coincidence?
In all seriousness, those of you who know me know I have recurring sinus issues, basically all through allergy season. Today, I visited the doctor who said he could shoot me in the butt with steroids, or I could get my ears irrigated and that might help. Ears... IRRigated. Get it?
So I agreed with the flip of a wrist. "Sure, that's fine," I said ignorantly. In comes the nurse, Leticia. I was worried it might be her. She has the worst bedside manner of any nurse at this particular practice. In she came with the irrigation kit. She put cold drops into my ear canal and had me lay on each side for about five minutes to assist drainage. I read the book I'd brought along, feeling like I could shut my eyes and fall asleep in the quiet room, blissfully ignorant.
Leticia enters again. "Ok," she said, handing me a paper towel to put on my shoulder and juicing the big syringe full of saline. I held a little barf basin to my cheek for the drainage. "Let me know if it's too hot," said Leticia calmly. In retrospect...almost too calmly.
The warm, but not too hot water hit my inner ear before what must have been the worst pain I've experienced in my entire life began. (At least that for which I've been completely conscious and non-doped.) I have an amazing pain threshold too; I really do. First, I'm a woman and engineered for pain, but I've also danced through tendinitis and broken bones and ate a hamburger the day after I got my braces in junior high.
But none of this pain came even close to the pain I felt earlier today as the solution hit, at high-pressure, my inner ear and flooded my sinuses. I could feel the stuff behind my eyes and felt drowned. I couldn't hear a thing and began to wonder if this was what deep sea diving without scuba gear would feel like. I think my legs started twitching as I forced myself to breathe through the pain so I wouldn't cry, because the nurse asked if it hurt. "Yes," I said, "quite a lot actually." She must have heard, "Please sir, may I have another," because then she took out this scraper and went back into my ear, scratching the part of it that was already raw. When she finished, the worst part was knowing we still had to do the other ear.
Somehow I survived the second squirt, during which I think I had some sort of out-of-body experience. Somehow I was able to stand up to drive myself home. I got in my car, touched my pointer finger to my ear, and brought it away covered in blood. Ear number two: same.
It has been approximately eight hours since I left the doctor, and they finally stopped bleeding. It's not like you can stick a tissue on it like when you cut yourself shaving, or put on a band aid. But now I have two ears full of dried blood, so that's awesome. Completely nondisgusting too, sort of like Celine Dion's singing, face, and whole deal.
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