I was just trying to send a letter

For the first time in months, I took a trip to America's favorite artifact: the post office. Usually, if I need to mail a package, I go to the grocery store near my house, but they always have really long lines, and I just wasn't in the mood today.

Apparently, the postal service has finally realized they are soon to be extinct, because they seemed to be making an honest effort to improve their customer service. Of course, what this really did was piss me off.

I was sending a flash drive across the country, along with an invoice for my editing business. I picked up the smallest padded envelope I could find and stood at the island to address and stuff the envelope. But then this annoying postal worker began systematically accosting everyone, traveling from person to person, trying to be "of help" by suggesting alternative methods of mail transport.

"Is that all you're mailing?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Well, before you do that, let me just..." he said, taking my envelope away and going over to the wall of packaging stuff to grab a cheaper, un-padded envelope.

"Here, you go. This will save you 80 cents!" he replied gleefully.

"Um, ok. But won't that rip open? It better not rip open."

"Uh..." he replied.

"This is a really important package," I said.

"Well, how far are you sending it again?"

"To Florida."

"Um, well, it should be fine."

It should be fine, he said. Great, that reeks of confidence.

"Fine," I said. "Give me the cheapo envelope."

I packed everything up stood in the line for checkout, assured that the worst customer service of the day was over. The available mail clerk was a short, partially bald, middle-aged guy who wore two huge silver pentagrams from his neck and insisted on wearing his hair in a ponytail even though he was partially bald. He also sweated profusely.

Him: Hello. How are you today?
Me: Fine. How are you?
Him (smiling mischievously): Well, I'm great now.
Me: Oh?
Him: You wanna know why????
Me: I think you're about to tell me.
Him: Because you're here! You wanna know why that makes me happy?
Me: Uh.
Him: Because you're sooooo pretty! It always brightens my day when a beautiful girl enters my line!
Me (handing him the package): That's nice.
Him (swiping my credit card incorrectly, then swiping it again): Oh! You're not married.
Me (looking at my hand): Um, no.
Him: I can cook! Haha! I'm naughty today!
Me (grabbing my credit card and fighting back vomit): Uh, ok, thanks.

Normally, I would be really mean to the guy, but apparently this was how he translated their new, improved customer service initiative. Customer service=sexual harassment. I thought of his personal life, conducting desert seances and preparing Ramen noodles six different ways, splitting the portions between himself and his three cats, named after the girls from "Charmed." I couldn't be mean. Actually, I just drove away. Now that's restraint.