In honor of the new year, I propose the following resolutions for the city of Las Vegas. Let's be honest, if Las Vegas were a person, it would be a fat, smokey, aging mobster, so in theory this whole metaphor thing works.
1) Quit smoking
People still smoke a lot in Las Vegas-- the most I've seen outside the Midwest. It's so 1990.
2) Cut back
New casinos continue to open. New highrises continue to go up. When the average hotel cost has dropped by 50 percent, clearly this whole building this isn't working anymore.
3) Invest in education
This isn't so much a Vegas resolution as a Nevada resolution. We're the lowest performing state in a stupid country. Completely unacceptable.
4) Exercise
Since we're not getting better hospitals or doctors anytime soon.
5) Go to therapy
Depression is a disease that can't be cured by booze.
Wait, you mean I've been drinking all these years for nothing??!? Damnit!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, I thought we drank to make men more attractive.
ReplyDelete